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I feel like I need to weigh in on a few things tonight. I know I haven’t posted in a god damned long time, but that is because life has gotten in the way of my life. I am not one to beat around the bush so let’s just go ahead and get on with it.

My issue of the night is BLM. This will be a semi short rant because I believe I can sum this shit up really easily. To me, BLM is nothing more than the new age version of the KKK. And I will explain why I make that assessment. This “organization”, “movement”, “cause” chooses to draw attention to the oppression of african american people by blocking major roadways. By rioting. By looting. By burning down the very neighborhoods they scream that are being targeted by law enforcement, and society in general. They create more diversity and promote segregation by disallowing non-blacks into their inner circles. They embody the very oppression that they oppose with their actions and demeanor. Not one time has BLM actually done something positive in the communities that they are completely destroying. Please feel free to roast me on this. On my opinions. Because that is what our first amendment right was created for.



It’s been quite a while since I posted anything on here. But I feel the need to post something now.

Lately I have had a fair amount of downtime at work, and what that means for us is that we have alot of time to goof of on the internet. Youtube, Facebook and the like. For some reason I keep coming across these videos of people filming law enforcement ‘violating’ their rights and civil liberties.  This in and of itself shouldn’t be cause for concern. After all everything gets videoed nowadays right? Wrong! The problem is these little self righteous punks that actually go out and find ways to intentionally get themselves stopped by law enforcement agents/officers and then have the audacity to complain about it. More notably, people trying to exercise this whole ‘Open Carry’ law that so few states actually have.

To better explain my point here is better stated in a particular video found here:!

During the conversation this douche canoe has with these cops you pretty much find out that he did this completely and intentionally did something to get the attention of police officers and then proceeds to bitch about being ‘detained’ unlawfully. This is pretty much the status quo now as far as police videos go.

I totally agree and am happy that this guy knows his rights and knows the letter of the law far better than most people claiming to be Americans do. I do not, however, agree with what he did in this video. He was completely wrong in every way, and the police did in fact have a reasonable suspicion of illegal activity, as the law states, and were well within the boundaries of the law to stop/detain/question this man. Elaborate on that, you may ask? What he did could be construed as inciting a panic, disturbing the peace or even occupying police resources when they could have been tending to something much much more important.

$1B of TSA Nude Body Scanners Made Worthless By Blog — How Anyone Can Get Anything Past The Scanners.

This is a post from one of my fellow wordpress blogsters ‘twindaddy’. I just feel like this should be re-blogged and this priest in question should be outted to the world.

So about time for an update. About a week or two ago, the ex decided that she wanted to see me. I’ve been wanting to see you for weeks now, she says. Reluctantly I agreed, but only at the place of MY choosing. At a sports bar hella close to where I live. She shows up, we talk, hash a few things out. Confess my feelings for her, and let her know that what I felt for her never really died. I had my suspicions as to why she would even contact me out of the blue like this, considering all that had happened before. But, part of me still wanted to hold onto hope for some reason. Stupid right? Ya, I know that now.

You see her birthday was coming up fairly soon and I had the sneaking suspicion that she just didn’t want to be alone on her special day. Made me feel so much better than I had been in a while. Don’t get me wrong, things were going great with me at the time, good job, good money, and getting an incredibly prestigious certification to be a legitimate Instructor in my field of work. I was oh so reluctant to even talk to her again. But something inside of me still held the tiniest candle flame of hope that we could be what I always thought we could be. So I played the part. We talked. A lot. Hashed out quite a few things actually. She asked me what I had planned for the weekend. Weekend of her birthday no less. I said nothing really, just going out of town for a day(so as not to seem like I didn’t have life, I wanted her to think that I was just doing my regular thing). Then I asked if she wanted to come with me to a town, over an hour away, to spend her birthday with me, so she wouldn’t be alone. She had told me, during our little hash out session that she had broken up with the douche bag she left me for in the first place. No one should be alone on that one special day of the year. Fuck xmas, fuck turkey day, fuck v-day. If nothing else then the birthday is the one day that you should feel special and loved and noticed.

So for the whole week, I was looking forward to actually spending her birthday with her. I felt like I actually meant something to her again. I had planned on taking her on our first official ‘date’ in the entire time that we had known each other. Almost 2 years. When we were dating at first I was out of a job and unable to take her out properly, so this actually meant alot to me. A helluva lot more to me than her apparently.

I had a 4 day weekend. Friday through Monday. She only had Sunday off. No problem, right? She had arranged it to where she would stay at a friends house on Friday night, go to work, and I would pick her up on my way out of town for our actual date/birthday celebration, if you will. I was so looking forward to this. As a means of retribution for all the shit I put her through before. I was so wanting to make the biggest change in my whole life, for ONE person. Fucking craziest thing I have ever fathomed. But hindsight is 20/20 right?

Friday morning. I wake up to a text message. ‘I may have some bad news’. ‘A friend of mine, of 1o years is coming down from Vegas for my birthday to surprise me’. REALLY?! So what is supposed to be a surprise, you know about before hand? You know that I don’t make plans. I always shoot from the hip. For the simple fact that if you do make plans, there is an extreme possibilility that you will only be disappointed. But the fact of the matter is that I actually committed myself to an actual plan. A series of events. Up to and including the first formal ‘date’ that we would ever have.

When I got the news that I had been put on the back burner again, I was pissed. Beyond pissed. Maybe a little more than what I should have. I admit that. But the fact of the matter is this, I went out of my way to actually plan something out, and actually build it up a bit, not only with me, but with her. All week it was ‘I am so excited’ blah blah blah. Then, less than 24 hours before this ‘mission’ could kick off, because of someone else’s ‘surprise’ ‘spontaneous’ decision, what I had planned is just kicked to the curb. I sacrificed my belief to try and please her, and to no avail.

Ok. So it’s a long time friend of the family, I get that. He, and I emphasize the HE part which I will get to later, traveled a long way for her birthday. I kind of freaked out a little bit because let’s face it, the first time she left me it was because of someone that was ‘just a friend’. I think I was well within my rights to have suspicions here.

I started finding things to do, to curb my drinking, which was always her biggest complaint of me. Any and everything I could do. I even joined a gym and started training MMA again after being out of the loop for over 6 years, just to find something to fill my time so I wouldn’t drink.

I told her that she was my motivation to become better. For me, for her, for her daughter, and for my son. She made me want to become the best that I could be in everything that I would do. I asked her, very specifically, ‘Is this just a pipe dream’ ‘Am I doing this for nothing’. No was her response.

Less than 24 hours later I get a text message. ‘I am glad you are getting your shit together, but it is just a pipe dream’ ‘i am in love with someone else’ ‘I have extreme feelings for someone else’. Turns out it is the guy that was ‘just a friend’. Fuck my life! God, am I a sucker or what.

For the second time, I was disregarded by her. Come to find out she got engaged to this asshat the very day she told me about her feelings for another.

After everything that I told her. That I was still in love with her. That I wanted to do whatever it took to be better for her. That I would go to the end of the earth to change every single habit that I had, that she disliked. After all of that, I was still only second best to her.

It’s my own fault really. I was doing fine. I had pretty much forgotten about her altogether. Then she preyed on me. She preyed on me because she is the only person that truly knows how I think. How my mind works, how my thought processes flow. She is the only true person that I really opened up to and told my deepest, darkest secrets to. I gave her the keys to me. And true love is giving someone else the keys to the real you, and hoping that they don’t hurt you with what they find.

She did. I opened up to someone for the first time in my entire life. I thought that I could make something out of nothing with her. Not the case. She has forced me back into my secluded little bubble of an existence. Never again will anyone know the real me. The true things that plague my thoughts. The true issues that cause me not to function.

Thank you (un-named wench), for showing me how much of a god damned fool I have become. I hope you are happy. I hope you will be happy. I truly do. But I also hope that you do not do to him what you did to me. No one deserves that. I have done alot of un-orthodox and very morally objectionable things, but I still dont think I deserve what you have done to me.

I tried to bury the monster. I have forsaken him for months. But now you have unleashed the beast.

So I am going to take a page out of one of my close friend’s playbook and throw in a slight twist of my own. I am going to conduct an interview with myself. But not really myself, well not yet I mean. The particular  ‘Me’ that is going to be interviewed is the me from the future. The me that will rule all around me. The me that will never want for anything. The me that has been dubbed my ‘Richer than Jesus’ self. Here we go…

Question: Over the course of your rocky road that you have called a life, you have surpassed the expectations of literally everyone that you have ever come across. To what do you owe this incredible, phenomenal financial and personal success?

Answer: Wow. That’s a toughy. If I had to give shout outs to those that are to be thanked, then I would first say my parents. They have always been there for me, put up with my bullshit, my drinking problem, emotional duress, everything. If it wasn’t for my mother, father, and a select few people that I consider family, regardless of blood relation, I would have been long gone from this world and I wouldn’t be able to also thank all of those that ran from me when I needed it the most. Those that chose to head for the hills when I was in my deep dark hole of a depression. On more than one occasion I must admit. If they hadn’t left me in the gutter, crying, weeping and begging for a hand and not lend it, I would never appreciate being on top of the world now. I would not know what it is like to have imported geishas sponge bath me every night. I wouldn’t appreciate the 99′ television that I have in my grotesquely over sized living room in my unfathomably enormous house. I wouldn’t appreciate the people that gawk at me as I walk by on the street, envious of such an incredible specimen of humanity that they have the rare privelage of breathing the same air as.

Q: That sounded a little arrogant, uppity and snide. Not to mention downright rude to some I would imagine. What made you this way?

A: Apparently can you listen, but you are dumber than a bag of hammers too. Look, I’ve earned literally everything that I have had in my entire adult life. Never had a hand out. Never asked for help really until things got really bad for me at one point. I mean I was literally on the verge of suicide at one point in my 20’s. No one ever came, no one ever called, save for one person, that as I mentioned earlier, is not blood related, but family none the less. At the time, he was in a very similar situation as me. We bonded, if you will. Had some story swapping. Some horror story swapping that is. And over the years he and I talked each other down from many things that just broke our individual spirits. It was during all this time that I realized that I had found the holy grail in just a few unorthodox friends. And I also realized that 99% of the human race will let you down. No matter what, no matter when, the human condition will let you down. Therefore, I had to build certain, walls. And those walls were made out of snide remarks designed to make a person that says something completely ridiculously dumb, feel just that way. Those walls were made out of rude comments designed to light a fire under those too timid to stick up for themselves. And as far as your little ‘arrogance’ referral, well you are damned right I am. As much as I sacrificed for this country by serving in the military. I lost my wife, my son, my health. Damned near everything. So excuse me for portraying a bastard that has his shit on lock down.

Q: Tell me about this ‘realization/transformation’ that you figured out for yourself. What exactly was it?

A: Hard to explain really, to a mere mortal such as yourself. Your tiny mind cannot comprehend the change that took place inside of my own head. In my own life. There is no amount of explanation, bar graph, pie chart, census, or cat scan that can show you what I see. I was able to take a step back, because when you hit rock bottom, what really else can you do? I was able to step back and look at what our ‘acceptable society’ had come to. Reality TV, lotteries, drugs of all sorts, legal and not. I was able to decipher what no one else on this planet has been able to do. The true meaning of life. But unfortunately for you, I found the meaning of life, just in a language you cannot fathom to understand. If I had to place it into words it would take probably about 19 years of nonstop, around the clock lectures, and I just don’t think you puny humans are worth that kind of effort or time. Hell, I’m surprised that I’m still entertaining this interview, but I thought what the hell, why not kill 20 minutes till my servants bring me my lunch.

Q: Why do you resent the entire human populace so? Surely there are some redeeming factors that you can see.

A: You’re right. There are. The only redeeming factor that your human race has ever accomplished is fake tits. Sure there are nice pairs all around now, but hey, who don’t like tits right? You see one set, you want to see them all. Am I right? Eh, you’re probably gay anyway.

Q: Sir, I don’t think that kind of language is necessary. Why are you such a crass individual?

A: Honestly I couldn’t give  shit less what you think is necessary. You don’t pay my bills, my taxes pay for your precious little welfare programs that you allow scumbags to take advantage of day after day, year after year. Old people, who cant care for themselves that are determined to be ‘vegetables’ placed in assisted living homes. For what? To prolong an already tormented life? Do you not think that those poor bastards deserve to be left alone and done with what nature has intended? Or how about all of these stupid commercials that you see on TV about booze, cigarettes, fake tits and dick enlargements? Really? And I bet you are the kind of person that wonders why the youths of today grow up to be so screwed up in the head, that it takes 25 years of therapy to fix, if they are lucky. Bet you blame video games for violent children too don’t you? That’s the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard in my life. Those kids need good old fashioned ass whoopins like I got when I was a kid. But no. We prefer to coddle children, and shelter them from the real world for as long as we can, and then ask ourselves why they have trouble adapting to social situations at school and spend all of their free time online looking up crazy shit like how to blow up their school because they have no outlet for all of the things inside of them that society and religion tells us are bad thoughts. Sexual urges, being territorial, jealousy. The whole gammut.

Q: You make several very good points in your arguments. It has been said that you inspire hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people to break their cycles of boring and mundane lives, by simply doing things that ‘society’ has deemed unacceptable, or of ‘less class’. How do you feel about that?

A: Well first off this whole ‘of less class’ business is garbage. What class? Who’s to say what class is? And who said it was a good thing? To me class is a way of presenting a modern day heirarchy between people that were afforded the same exact opportunities in life. Something akin to that old school nobility rule. Just be cause my blood comes from somewhere yours doesn’t, doesn’t make either one of us a better specimen of life anymore than my $2200 dollar bed sheets make me a better lover than the next guy. But rest assured, I am regardless of the sheets. Class is a way to put a ‘grade’ if you will, onto normal people that don’t deserve to be labeled. Me? I don’t label anyone. I just see what a person has done with their life, and still, don’t pass judgement. It’s your life, do with it what you please. But just be prepared to be called a dumbass when you complain about the ‘system’ holding you down, or you can’t do this because of that, so on and so forth. Those kinds of people are a disease, worse than a cancer on the planet. They just make excuses, and hide behind those excuses because they are scared.

Q: Scared?

A: Yes. Scared. Scared of taking responsibility for what may or may not fail in their life. But they never think about the ‘what if i succeed’ half of that coin. They hide because for years and years, in a perpetual cycle, people have been coddling their children. Sheltering them from the real world. But those parents don’t get it. They are going to leave one day. And forge their own path in this world. It may not be a successful one, and then again it might. But that is all dependent on that child’s perception of the world and how he will be judged on anything and everything that it does. But no one thinks about the fact that that judgement is going to happen regardless of whatever that child may or may not accomplish. The only variable there is when is that child going to have to come to terms with the fact that in the eyes of others, you will never be worthy, and have that human nature, competitive urge take over ,and make something for themselves. Make something for themselves and stand on top of the world and teabag the shit out of anyone that steps up to them to challenge their rightful spot on this planet.

Q: Now you say challenge their rightful spot. That would suggest some sort of lineage, heritage, or bloodline heirarchy wouldn’t it?

A: Absolutely not. What I mean to say by that is simple. Nothing is free. Everything is earned. EVERYTHING. Your right to live on this planet, your job, car, house, wife. Everything gets earned. Earning something makes people better people. It gives them a sense of pride that no one can take away from them. If a person like, say those welfare scamming scumbags I referred to earlier, does nothing to better their situation, and get handouts, the human condition will automatically tell that person that they don’t have to work for anything, because it is just being handed out like blowjobs at an adult film festival. Therefore, perpetuating the cycle of those endlessly flawed government programs that are paid for by private citizens like you and me. I am extremely pissed off about my tax dollars going to scumbags like that. Don’t they know what the fuel for a G6 costs these days? Inconsiderate pricks!

Q: You have a unique….

A: Alright dude, it’s time for you to roll out of here, my lunch is here, and after i kill this T-bone and slug down this pint of my own home brewed lager, I’m going to go upstairs and lay down with my smoking hot model of a girlfriend, upstairs, and take a nap, or get some ass. I just haven’t decided on which yet.

I am an asshole and that is who I am going to be. It is who I was always meant to be. Everyone tells me, since the most recent events in my life, that I should love myself before I can love anyone else. Let me think back to the last time I was happy with myself…..Oh ya! Back when I was an asshole to anyone and everyone. Not really in a bad way though. More or less in the way that I did what I wanted to do. I didn’t care about anyone or anything else but my son. He lives with his mother. It’s probably better that way. I was always gone. Always deployed. Never home. Not because I didn’t want to be, because I honestly did. But the government had other plans for me. But that’s not the point of this. This is about me relearning how to love myself again. Getting back to being an asshole.

I hate that the entirety of the female populace has to now suffer. Truly I do. But hey, if a group of teenagers is standing around and one of them throws his mocha-chai-vente-latte-frappuchino(whatever the fuck that is) at you, you aren’t going to say ‘That is just one bad apple out of the whole bunch’ you are going to say ‘God damned those little fucking pricks’. Thereby lumping them all into the same group. So sorry ladies, but you are all gonna have to suffer for the few ‘bad apples’ that you share a chromosome with.

And yes, I do put the blame on the rest of you. Because it is just human, pack mentality, to thin your own herd. Nature’s way. If one in the pack does not share the same feel of the group, they are cast out. Left to die. To rot away in the forest alone and untouched for the rest of time. You have not done this to your few weakest links. You have shown that you are not pack animals. You are not a group. You are individuals. Only concerned with yourselves and what you think you are entitled to simply because you were born with a vagina. You aren’t entitled to SHIT!

Just like every man on this planet, you have to EARN your way in this world. You don’t seem so uppity whenever a man thinks he deserves something from you. No, oh no. He’s an asshole, a prick, a douchebag. And yet, you think just because you are a woman you are entitled to be treated like a damned princess? AHAHAHA! Nice one, very funny joke you got there. If I so choose to buy you dinner, or flowers of some such sappy sad shit, then be happy with it. Don’t fucking expect. If I do something like that, that means I am trying to earn something. Brownie points, good favor, a girlfriend, wife or whatever you could think of. There is a reason behind it and it damned sure ain’t ‘because she is entitled to it’.

This is pretty much another ramble of mine about the reasons that I hate X-mas. And yes it will be referred to from here on out as ‘X-mas’ for the simple fact that it is a holiday, with religious background mind you, that everyone has lost sight of the original meaning behind. X-mas, formerly known as ‘Christ’mas. Let’s take this one step by step, shall we?

First and foremost, it is a holiday meant to celebrate the birth of Christ. God’s only son. Or so we are led to believe anyway. Seems like the only people that recognize this fact, are in fact, that certain group of people that we all know that is not afraid to express their religion and gratitude for a man that none of us have ever known other than what is crammed down our throats from a book that is apparently the only one in existence that is above and beyond all reprieve. Because some guy that calls himself ‘King’ wrote it thousands of years ago. And there is in no way shape or form any margin for error from this book being handled, passed around and criticized since the time of its inception. But that’s not the reason that I’m writing this. That blog will come later! But no one seems to care about the origin of this holiday. So onto the next topic!

What has X-mas become? It has become a corporately sanctioned and publicly raped day of the year. Adults only want the day off from work. Ok, I can see that I guess, who doesn’t like finding a reason to stay home from work? And kids? They only see it as a way to get free shit that they don’t need. So it falls upon the parents to pay out money that they slaved to get, so they can pay for necessities for the kids that don’t know or appreciate what the parent does for them. And the parents pay top dollar for the things that their kids want because they want to be better parents than their own parents were to them. So the parent forks out 200 bucks on 2 or 3 fucking lego sets, or my little pony shit. And toy companies, HAHAHAHA, make lame shit, that is only designed to break, and on top of that, they jack up the prices on their shit. All so they can buy their own kids shit they don’t need.

Ok so let’s see. You can explain to your kid what the real meaning of ‘X-mas’ formerly known as ‘Christmas’ was, is and has become. I would love to be able to do that, but I can’t. I can’t really give my kid a lecture on something that has religious meaning because of the simple fact that I don’t believe in religion. I used to, but in my world travels I have learned that everyone needs something to believe in, in order to explain the unexplainable. My biggest proof of this is the phrase ‘Well, it was all just part of God’s plan’ or “God has a reason, and you need to learn from this and why it happened the way it did’. REALLY?! What possible lesson could I learn from getting ball cancer? I don’t have ball cancer, but hey, I think it’s a pretty good example!

Richard ‘Adam’ Lummus

  • Education – Quit traditional school during the 9th grade and enrolled self into military school. Tested out 5 months later at the age of 16. Currently attending University of Phoenix online program.

  • Technical Training – Cooking, maintaining a clean and hygienic living space, laundry(sorting, washing, drying, folding), washing and putting away clean dishes, automotive upkeep(detailing, washing, repairs, upgrades), lawn care(sod/grass, mowing, fertilizing, aerating), BBQ(gas, smoking, open flame, charcoal)

  • Special Qualifications – Extremely observant, expert cuddler(8th level), writes meaningful heartfelt letters, self-trained masseuse(full and partial body), good listener(always provides an ear to listen, or shoulder to cry on), capable of making female friends jealous of you and male friends envious of me, loved by children and love children in return(has one of his own, age:8)

  • Experience – Serves home cooked from scratch breakfast in bed, sends flowers because it’s Tuesday, sneaks up behind you to sneak a hug or a kiss, carries groceries, cleans up after dinner, expert lover/companion.

  • Equipment – Has a stable and fruitful career, outright owns his own vehicle(truck:Dodge Ram 1500, 2004, clean, peak running condition), has his own place, possesses and has training in various weapons and techniques in order to protect who/what is important to him(could be you!)

  • History – Once heartbroken, now emotionally recovered divorcee from an early and ill thought out marriage, learns from any and all mistakes and never makes the same mistake twice, never made a promise that cannot be kept, has always been there for family no matter the cost or the distance in between family members, experienced many different countries and lifestyles, seen numerous walks of life and the effects of them on individuals and communities all over the world.

  • Awards/Honors – Current and active Man Card holder, various awards and decorations received while in military service(US Army – 7yrs 2 months Active Duty)

  • Biography – I am a simple country boy originally from Georgia. I was raised with traditional southern mannerisms and hospitalities. I open the door for women, something that has long since been forgotten by today’s society. I am a firm believer that chivalry is not dead, it has just been overlooked. I am good at noticing little things in behaviour that are triggers for a woman to just be held, or told that she is pretty or beautiful. I have always had an ear or a shoulder to lend. I offer insight and unobjective opinions and advice if asked for it. I am very family oriented and would not know what to do without my awesome family in my corner, backing my every play in life. Needless to say that not all of my plays are wise, but I never make the same mistake twice. I was asked once what I took from my time in the Armed Forces, and I simply said: It matured at 17-year-old kid into becoming a man, capable of making the hard call when no one else wants to take responsibility for making a choice that may or may not be the right one. I have a bit of a philosophy that I live by. You never know till you try, but you will always succeed if you only ‘TRY’, and you never know where the line is until you cross it. Well I guess that is really 2, but I hope you get my meaning. I have a habit of pushing social boundaries beyond what has become ‘socially acceptable’ these days. I have a very unique outlook on many or most of today’s viewpoints, or topics of discussion. But that is me and that is who I have become in this lifetime. If you want to challenge yourself and thrust a man into your life that is sure of where he wants his own life to go, then I am your man. Things may work and they may not, but you never know, I just may be your Knight in no armor at all. Because lets face it, that armor has to be fucking hot in the summer and freezing in the winter, and no one wants hot or cold steel all over their body!

So if any of you have read all of my previous posts then you pretty much know the score. Little update. No charges were ever filed on me, so no court dates, no nothing. I started my new job last week and it is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love this job. Seriously. Even though it’s an office job, I love it. I actually wake up early and go in 30 minutes earlier than anyone else. WTF is wrong with me? I still drink my beer. I make dinner for 1 every night. I don’t worry about that shit that I cannot control or change anymore. I don’t worry about anything anymore. Truth is this. When I have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, my thoughts become incredibly dangerous. So much paranoia. And I really don’t know where it comes from.

All of my life I have never been unemployed. These last 3 months proved that as much as I may hate having to be a contributing member of society, I NEED to be one. For my own damned sanity. It has recently become extremely evident that I need some sort of social stimulus. Outside of my xbox that is, LOL. I still have my boys, my lo’s and lette’s that I talk to on xbox live. Because hey, unlike my ex-girlfriend, they were always there, willing to listen to my long ass tirades and complaints about my situations. Even though I never met Matt or Tylor, or VTEC(still don’t know his fucking name for some reason), they are close to me. They know me. The real me. They talked to me, non judgemental  and always had something to say to make me feel better. Something to make me laugh. For lack of a better term, family. I know that sounds kinda sad, but hey, everyone needs someone that they can talk and open up to. For you it may be a close high school friend, your wife, husband, brother or whatever else. Right now, I ain’t got that. I moved out here and knew only one person.

I knew her for over a year and a half. I moved out here and for some reason fell in love with her. BIG MISTAKE!!!! When she left me, I was more alone than I had ever known. All but my xbox buddies. And they listened to everything, and know everything about me. But I had no one out here to talk to, to confide in, so when she left, I was devastated. Broken and beaten down, on the verge of oblivion. They picked me up, kept me going and took my mind of of how dismal my life had become. All my life I have never really been alone. When I was younger, I had my school football team. In military school, I had my platoon. In the actual military, I had my squad(who I still talk to from time to time actually). After that, I had the guys I worked with overseas, who I lived, worked, eat and slept within 10 feet of everyday. Once I came back stateside, I stayed with my folks for a while, taking a break. Still wasn’t alone. Then I moved to AZ. to where I knew no one, save for one person. And when that was taken away, I thought it was over for me. Then I realized….why do I NEED anyone else? Now I don’t even think about……..what was her name again? And when I do I don’t get upset, angry, pissed off, sad, or even have the urge to beat the shit out of that scumbag that she left me for. Because hey, there will be a time when she gets tired of working her minimum wage job, and dealing with him and his 4 jobs, yes, and I do mean 4 jobs, and she will look at me and say ‘WOW! I can’t believe I threw you away. Gave up what we could have had’. I think about that and I just smile, so smuggly to myself and carry on with my life.

I don’t NEED anyone. I wanted SOMETHING. And when that something was taken from me, I acted like a child. Equated to kicking and screaming on the floor like a child that had just been scolded by his mother. There was no reason for that. I did alot of searching. Couldn’t find a reason for that. Couldn’t be justified. And I am the fucking man at justifying any and everything. I can sling some pretty good bullshit when I am in my zone. And I couldn’t even justify myself to myself. Sad right? So now, I don’t wanna say I’m ‘happy’ per say, but I am getting there. Everyday I look forward to the next. To see what I can accomplish.

I have been told time and time again that I have so much more going for me than I give myself credit for. Maybe that’s true, but that’s not for me to decide. The only thing I control is me. And what happens to me. I let myself become vulnerable. I let myself get hurt. But no more. I have a new lease on life. I have a new outlook. Can I really call it a ‘new’ outlook if I had it before, lost it and have recently rediscovered it? From now on, I OWN EVERY DAY THAT I EXIST! I control the outcome of everyday that ends in the letter Y. You all can have the rest. I don’t want them. See? I can be reasonable. We can negotiate on the matter if you would like. You’re going to lose that negotiation, but hey, it’ll definitely make for a good story to tell your friends. ‘I went toe to toe with the most bad mother fucker I have ever met and lost, but I went toe to toe with him’.

This is MY world. I allow you to squat. Because I am better than that. I won’t shut you out. I am a merciless ruler, but I do have compassion for those less fortunate, so long as you offer something in return. That is how the world works. That is how I allow the world to work. If you don’t believe me, look up into the sky. See that crazy mother fucker with the sexiest smile and most gorgeous deep dark brown eyes you have ever seen? Of course you don’t. Because you are not on my level yet, because I haven’t allowed it. CARPE-MOTHER-FUCKING-DIEM!!!!!

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