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Monthly Archives: November 2011

One night I had found a way to make a few dollars in this broke ass existence. So I decided to take those few dollars and go out. I think I had earned it. Well maybe not earned but deserved it. I had a few hard ass weeks to deal with in the recent. So I decided to go to the only bar that I knew in town. The only bar that the ‘ex’ went to. But the thing is that the only reason I even considered this particular bar is because the ‘ex’ only goes there on wednesdays and this was a saturday. So i thought that i would be in the clear of her and her friends. So I show up and the guy that I had suspected that she had been seeing behind my back was the doorman at this place. No big deal. Showed him an ID and paid the $5 cover charge no questions asked, no hassle. Never said one word to the guy. Didn’t want any trouble or complications. Should have known better I guess. As I am making the rounds around the bar trying to make new friends(as she always requested that I do) I see one of her friends flagging me down. ‘Oh, whats up? How you been?’ I asked. ‘Good’ she replied. As conversation rolled on, and we went outside to have a smoke, for some reason I asked how ‘she’ was doing. ‘Stop worrying about it’ was the reply. ‘Why?’ ‘Because you are a good guy and you don’t deserve what you are going through’ was the reply. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You aren’t the first in this whole thing’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Look, you are a nice guy, you are sweet, and you care alot about her and her daughter, but that isn’t what she cares about. I’ve seen it happen to (guy A) and (guy B). Let it go. It’s not worth it’ During this whole time I didn’t catch the fact that her doorman boyfriend was on his phone. I should have figured but hey, im a redneck, we dont do subtle hints. about 45 minutes after I had shown up at this bar, so did she. And she made it a point to stand in my line of sight. She was talking to others, as was I. After a few minutes my paranoia kicked in and I wanted to ask her if she had done all this on purpose. Dumb I know. When I got her attention and asked her to talk to me she said no. No problem. Only problem was that after that her new boyfriend got his goonie, no wait. He got his friends to try and escort me out. I don’t like to be man handled. So I manhandled back. During this scuffle the police were called. Because her boyfriend works at this place the cops put cuffs on me and stood me out in front of everyone. As they were taking their report, I heard her laughing. It killed me inside. Literally killed me. So I asked the officer holding me by the arm to place me in the car. I asked repeatedly. A dozen times by my recollection. Every time he said just wait, just wait. Her laughing was killing me. What is a man to do if he wants to be seperated from the public that is in awe at what is going on? I head butted the officer holding me. This officer was about 3 or 4 inches taller than me. If i wanted to cause bodily harm to him, I would have been easily able to knock out 2 or 3 teeth with that headbutt. But it was directed at his shoulder. direct impact on his shoulder. he took me to the ground and put me in the car. finally. Was it wrong? Absolutely. But I had been drinking and not in the right frame of mind. No excuse. I will accept my punishment as seen fit by the courts. But my whole point on this thing is this…..DO NOT EVER LET SOMEONE ELSE INTO YOUR LIFE! It will only lead to heartache if you are the same kind of emotionally driven person that I am. I am ashamed of what I did. Not because of the circumstances, but of the fact that I let the way that someone else felt about me dictate my actions and ruin everything that I have strived to become. I am absolutely ashamed of what I did, and I have apologized to the officer in question. I have tried to explain to him, alcohol not involved, why I did what I did. I only hope that there will be some mercy put into my behalf on all of this terrible situation.


Ever been to Hell? I have. On many many occasions I have. I even get my little card punched each time, twice more and I win a key chain. The only thing for certain in this life is suffering. No, really. Think about it for a second will you? All these religious zealots and crackpots all say that you will have ‘life everlasting’ meaning eternal life. Meaning that not even death is a certainty anymore. But how did we come that way of thinking? Well no one is really born into that way of thinking. It’s programmed over many many years of pain and suffering. It is something that we tell ourselves to help us cope with all of the horrors and tragedies that we suffer throughout our lives. Let’s take a step back shall we?

Let’s talk about rock bottom. Rock Bottom. The only thing that we know for certain about Rock Bottom is that it is lower and lower each time we hit it. Tell me I’m wrong. Go ahead, I dare you. Think about it. If you were to lose your family today, not to some tragedy, or they are stolen away from you, let’s say your wife leaves you, takes the kids, the dog, everything. You are going to feel like the lowest form of dirt on this earth. It’s not your fault for feeling this way, really it’s not. You are going to feel alone, like the walls are closing in on you. Every time you hear something at the door you are going to jump up hoping that it is the family that was taken from you. But it wont be them. And you will feel devastated. Heartbroken and down in the dumps. ‘How could this not be absolute rock bottom?’ you will ask. Because shit is only going to get worse before it gets better, that’s how. Now you are at work and your performance is becoming shoddy at best. Because you no longer feel the need to be a provider for a family you don’t have. You lose motivation. You lose your job. ‘Oh, my! What am I to do?’ you will ask next. You will try to get on with your life the best you can. Truly the absolute best that you are capable of. But it wont be good enough. This is Rock Bottom. It has to be. How can it possibly get worse? Because you lost your job, you couldn’t make the house payments. Now its being foreclosed on by the bank. DAMN IT! Now this is absolute Rock Bottom. No family, no job, no car, no house. No worries right? The only way out of this hole is up. But wait. You feel that something is wrong here. Totally wrong. You have these, headaches. The come out of nowhere, and crippling pain takes you to the floor every few days. But they are becoming more and more frequent now. Now they are happening only minutes apart. So you go and get looked at. ‘What is it Doc?’ you ask. It’s an inoperable tumor on your brain stem. Fuck my life, I’m gonna die. DIE! I’m gonna FUCKING DIE! I have been proven wrong so many times before, the sheer chance of me being right about Rock Bottom this time, has to be right. How could this possibly get any worse?…….

The only way out is up. To look on the bright side of things. You are a relatively healthy guy, no reason that you shouldn’t be able to give a little something to someone else when you go. Why not alot of things? You donate part of your liver to an old war vet so that he may live, even though he continues to drink because his life is at Rock Bottom too. Or so he percieves as we have learned here today. How about a lung to the rich heiress that has smoked for 47 years and contracted lung cancer and needed an oh so urgent transplant? Awesome, finally we are looking up here. We are on the up slope, aren’t we? How about a kidney to the little boy that drinks 3 cases of Mountain Dew a day? That boy will live many many more years without having to use some machine to keep him alive. He’ll run and play and have sleepovers. And continue to drink sodas by the gallon because he doesn’t want to feel left out by his friends that are doing the same. You have given all of these people a second chance. 

But you never got your second chance did you? What about you? You stumbled and you fell, and you lost everything, only to give life to those more deserving than you. You have achieved almost sainthood with your kind and selfless acts. But there is one more ‘needy’ person. Old mister winters. The Vietnam combat veteran who held off 2 battalions of VC guerillas on top of Hill 115, with nothing more than his bayonet, side arm, C-rats and a box full of ammo, You see, he has eaten right, exercised everyday, treated everyone in our neighborhood with the utmost respect and courtesy. The most kind, sweet and gentle old man anyone could ever have the pleasure of knowing. But he has a disease that he never knew about. The walls of his heart are thinning out at an incredibly increased rate, he has only months to live. You, being the saint that you have become, have decided to give him your heart. You are already dying, you gave up so much for others and never though about what it was doing to you. It’s been killing you. And now that you know that, it is all the more reason to give Mr. Winters your heart.

You are on the operating table, mirrored by another operating table with Mr. Winters laying on it looking over at you with such sweet sweet eyes. You see a tear fall down his face. You wonder the kinds of horrors and atrocities those sweet eyes have witnessed. You realize the reason you are doing this. This kind old man, that did nothing but protect his country, do the right thing his entire life, deserves it. He has earned it. And who are you to deny that? You go under the knife. The Doc opens up your chest cavity. He gasps along with the rest of his operating room staff. You wonder what the fuss is. The doctor asks you if this is some kind of joke. That you have condemned a kind old man to die, because you have no heart to give. Just an empty space where it once was. What could have caused this? You caused this. Because you decided to give your heart to someone else along time ago. Your wife. You remember her don’t you? The one that left you standing there helpless, hopeless. Pathetic. Because you trusted another human being now this old man will die a slow painful death. All of the lives you saved before, everyone, at what cost? Now this one time that you can save the only person you know in your pathetic existence that deserves a second chance can’t have that because you trusted someone else. You look over at Mr. Winters. He looks back at you. You see yet another tear roll down his cheek. As your vision blurs and darkens, you seen him mouthing something. But what could it be. You try and catch it again but cant quite get what he is trying to say. There it is. You figured it out. In his last dying moment and yours he mouthed to you………….’DUMBASS!’

I will never understand what people see in me. I will always wonder why certain people in my life always have kind things to say about me. Always have my back. Even after I disappear for weeks, or months at a time. Hell half of those people are women. Women that I tried to be romantic with and when things got to a certain point, I evaded them like an F22 evades rockets. I have taken for granted so many people in my life and yet they all stay true to me.

Sometimes it was intentional. Other times not. Either way you would think that they would feel scorned. Abandoned and betrayed by me. I am such a vengeful person, and not in the bad way, I am only vengeful when someone is a complete and full dickhead. Why is no one else in my life like that? Is it because the only people that I tend to befriend are the most tolerable people on the face of the Earth? Let’s take a look at that word. Friend. What is a friend? I cannot define that word because I have yet to be that person to someone else. I’ve always had the answer to everything in my adult life. If I didn’t have the answer, hell, I bullshitted my way through it all like a champ. And always come out on top. Am I blessed? Lucky? Good at what I do? Sure, after a while you would become pretty fucking good at being me, but let’s be real. I’m about 2 degrees from being declared a clinical fuck up in life.

I can’t remember one thing, not one thing that I ever succeeded at. Well, excelled at I mean. I have succeeded at a lot of things. I had a bomb ass job with a fat ass paycheck for doing next to nothing. Gave that up for someone else. Took a risk, that risk didn’t pay off. Staked every dime into moving across the country to be more than just ‘that guy that is around for the holidays’ in my son’s life. I get here and my ex wife keeps my son from me because I had to pay 6 months rent in advance to get an apartment because I didn’t have a job yet. No proof of income. So her child support checks had to take a cut. So she says I can’t get to talk to or see my son until I am caught up with her money. Thus completely negating my entire reason for making the 2000 mile cross country drive by myself to be a part of my son’s life. Again, a failure. When I got here I talked to an old friend of mine just as a friend, as someone to talk to and download to, and ended up in a relationship. A relationship that failed miserably as you may have already read. Another failure.

So why does everyone in my life, claim that they love me so? That they care for me so much? That they always hope the best in whatever I do? Baffling to me really. Maybe it is all of those times that I gave my last dollar to someone less fortunate than I was. Maybe it was my willingness to  take people into my home that had no place to go. Maybe my urge to always stick out my hand to someone that just needed someone to talk to them to bring their spirits up. Perhaps it was the way I always sprang to the rescue in a bar when one drunk asshole was about to get his ass jumped by about 4 other assholes. Is it because of my ability to always jump back on top not matter the circumstance that I am in?

I lie in wait. Waiting for that perfect moment to reveal myself. To prove to you that you have made a mistake. To show you that I am a patient individual. That my patience will outweigh whatever decision you have made. Whatever motive you may have. You have cast me aside. At my expense, but at your own fault. You will see. You will stand there in awe as I live my life. Without you. Accomplishing so much more without you, until you come begging for me back. Begging me to make you a part of the EMPIRE that I have created. The choice to let you in on that empire is solely up to me. And the question that we will be faced with is this: Are you worthy of being ruled by me? Because if you beg to be a part of my life, that is exactly what you are asking. ‘Please, rule me. Show me the errors of my ways. I will do your bidding, just let me be a part of your world.’ There is so much at my disposal that you don’t quite understand. I could spy on your every waking moment. Stay up for days. Follow your movements. Track your daily habits. But I don’t. Because I lie in wait. Because knowing your dirty secrets would ruin my own state of mind. And that is not an option in this lifetime. To be driven crazy by what you may or may not be doing. I am better than that. I am above that. I have my faith, my hope that you will one day get yours. You hurt me and now I want to hurt you. By any means necessary. But I wont make it a priority in my life anymore. You are not worth my time, you puny human. I am so far above and beyond you it is unfathomable. You thought you knew me, you know shit. If you truly knew me, then you would know my resolve. And you wouldn’t have left me begging on my knees like I did. A lapse on my part. I fell into your human trap of ’emotion’.

That word is laughable. Emotion?! What is emotion? An uncontrolable impulse? Because you can’t compose yourself any better? Come on. Be real. Emotion is just another word for sucker in my book. I showed you emotion before. You took advantage of that when things got hard. You claim to love me. Love. Another emotion. If you ‘Love’ someone you don’t leave them. You help them till it kills you. You ride that shit till the wheels fall off. But you didn’t. You dipped out like it was a bank robbery gone bad. Let’s chock that one up to being ’emotional’, shall we?

Anyway we are getting off topic here. The topic here is the fact that I can endure anything thrown at me. I will persevere. I will come out on top. And inevitably, in this situation, you will not be.

I am not a human being. You do not know me. You do not understand me. Because you are incapable of knowing or understanding me. I am too complex for you. I am beyond your petty grasp. I am an enigma to you. A mystery. You may think that you know me, understand me. But that is only because I get bored with life. I fall asleep at the wheel, and as such slow down enough for you to read what is on the surface. If you can catch up with me when I fall asleep that is. Only one time in recorded ‘Human’ history did I fall asleep enough to let someone see more than they deserved to see. I slipped. I dropped the ball on that one for all of us ‘Aliens’. That will not be happening again. That I guarantee.

For those wondering, keep wondering. We ‘Aliens’ are not in your cosmic realm of possibility. At least not yet. Not until you can figure out some way to break your cycle of following. You Lemmings. You followers. You are probably reading this to find your own way in life. Hey, no problem. I appreciate the views, really I do. It completely validates my vanity, lol.

I made my life. I have hit rock bottom more than once. And every time the only thing I found out from it is that every time you hit rock bottom, it’s deeper than the last time. And every time the only way out is up. You have to find that one time in your life that you were happy. No, not happy, but ecstatic to be you. Find the you that was not controlled by taxes, government, other peoples opinions or perceptions of you. Find a reason to go back to that version of you. Because apparently you were doing something right.

For me, all of my life I have been a fighter. Physically at first, and in the last few years, an emotional fighter. An under the radar fighter. The kind of fighter that does not let anyone or anything control his universe. I have always come out on top. I have always been able to say ‘I told you so’ to everyone that doubted me. To everyone that made fun of me. To everyone that talked down to me. To all those that thought themselves to be better specimens of humanity than myself.

Everyone always say ‘If this, then that’. Thus giving control over to someone else. Or some condition outside of your realm control. NO! This is wrong. You are supposed to say ‘This will happen’ or ‘This will happen’. You don’t make things that you want conditional to another person or entity. You take control of that shit. You make the terms. Take it or leave it. You are going to find your path either way. With or without those ‘others’. You may want them with you. But on the flip side of that, they control whether or not they want to be a part of your life. You cannot force someone to be a part of yours. Simply state the terms of their involvement in yours. If they decline those terms, well then that, is how they say, ‘is that’.

You own everything in your world. Your life. Don’t take handouts. Don’t take favors. Earn everything. The only way to earn anything is to realize that you and you alone are in control of what happens tomorrow. Don’t look to tomorrow as another day. Not a borrowed day. Not even a gift. It is earned. Look forward to it.  Yesterday is gone. Nothing can be done about what happened THEN. But tomorrow, that is another story. You have to write it. Tomorrow is your day. If you are reading this than you already own today. Tomorrow, lets just see what we can accomplish tomorrow. I’m sure you will be very pleased with the result. Regardless of what happens. Could be good, bad or indifferent. All that matters is that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Do not let anyone tell you different. Do not let anything deter you from your own path.

If you need to, find yourself a ‘Hype Man’. A person to have your corner. A cheerleader. Someone you can talk to about what your own goals are. Share them with that person. That does not mean give them control. In fact, your Hype Man has about as much control over you and your life as that bum on the street that you didn’t give a quarter to today. Oh, you did give him money? Good job. Giving control over your finances is a great way to go don’t you think? Sure we all need help in this life. But that guy gave up control over his life a long time ago. There are so many easy options for that guy to succeed in life, he just chose to roll over and die. Starting to get my point? GOOD! Back to what I was saying. Where was I? Oh ya, the Hype Man. Your Hype Man doesn’t have any say so in anything you say or do in this life. He/She is just there to keep you on track with your goals and endeavors. Their duty is to support you in whatever it is that you undertake. Is it opening up to another person? Absolutely. But hey, you were going to pour your heart out to someone anyway eventually right? Why not do it to someone that will not judge you? Or insult your fragile sensibilities, which we will get to later by the way. I would prefer that you choose someone that is not blood or marriage related to you. Because they tend to be biased. Choose someone that has no emotional or financial stake in your entire existence. Friend? Maybe. Neighbor? Maybe. The choice is up to you. Everyone has someone in their lives that they can open up to, that will not judge or criticize you or anything you choose to do. And in turn, more than likely, they will do the same.

This world sucks. But as such, we are all entwined, and inevitably so. This is where our “Perfect World” begins. Not with a bang but with a whimper. A whimper within you. That turns into a growl. That evolves into a shout. That turns into a scream. Once everyone follows that same script, that will be OUR ‘Bang’. It may or may not happen soon. Or in the near future. Or the distant future. Hell, it may not happen in our lifetime. But that’s why you have to seize control of your own piece of the pie now. So when it does happen, you will be ready for it. You will be a part of it. In on the ground floor of OUR “PERFECT WORLD”

So apparently there is this ‘Occupy Wall Street’ thing going on right now. I have just heard of it because I refuse, absolutely refuse to watch the brainwashing propaganda  you people call ‘the news’. This is just sad. A series of demonstrations? And this has lead other people to do ‘Occupy” this, that and the other. You people make me sad and ashamed to be an American. I propose an ‘Occupy Yourself’ movement. Meaning that we all need to realize that Wall Street does not exist without us. The government does not exist without us. Everyone is too god damned greedy to realize that if employers would only pay a little more to their employees that, and that alone will enrich our ‘Market’. If a person gets paid more, they spend more. Thus the ‘market’ goes up. Everyone has lost sight of the entire founding of this once great country. Columbus came here, seeking a place untouched by the ever advancing civilization that we have, because he did not like the wants of the few outweighing the NEEDS of the many. Now in this country, we have let the WANTS of the few outweigh the NEEDS of the many. 99%? 99% of what? 99% of the population that has let everyone else dictate how you are to live your life? I am the 1%. The 1% that will not tolerate this. The 1% that will no longer let someone else control my life. The lives of my children and, god willing their children. That is exactly what has happened to us. And I say us because we are, forever and beyond, connected to each other. Friends, family, neighbors that you don’t like and those that you do. ‘Occupy Wall Street’? Really? This translates directly into a child laying on its belly, kicking and screaming for a new blanky. Something for free. Something that you have not yet EARNED! Everything in my entire adult life, I have worked for and earned with my own money. Did it require sacrifice? Absolutely. But I just didn’t know it at the time that was happening. Do the people that mooch off the system piss me off? ABSOLUTELY! But there is nothing we can do or control about that. We can only control our own lives. And the effect that we have on our ‘Society’. I use that term loosely because we haven’t been a society for a long time. We have become a heard of individuals looking for the easy way out. THERE IS NO SUCH THING! Nothing worth having, in this life or the next, is going to be easy. Will it hurt? More than likely. Will it be hard? Oh, Hell yes!

You may think strangely of what I have stated because I speak of being a society, being together in one unified effort, but yet suggest an ‘Occupy Yourself’ movement of my own. Understandable. But in order for everything to work, break it down to its base level. A society, a community, a unified front does not exist without several individuals. Individuals with their shit together. Individuals that know our Stock Market and our Government does not exist without us. We make both of those entities work. We are solely responsible for letting them run things for us. Because we have become complacent with our own responsibilities. We thought it easier to just hand over control of our lives to someone else. NO! That is not our governments place. They are there as a liason between us and other communities and societies that we are not able to make contact with everyday. They are there to help guide us in our own day to day lives. To help, not control them. They are there to help protect us. Not to ask so much of us in order for that protection. That’s Mafia type shit. Biggest mafia in the world right now, is the US Government. Today is the day we take back our lives. Today is the day we stop feeling sorry for ourselves. TODAY IS THE DAY WE TAKE CONTROL!

So after my little tirade with the now ex-girlfriend, heartbroken and beaten down, I talked to an old friend of mine of many years ‘Alan’. After hours and hours of talking with him all the way across the world, he found certain little aspects of the me that I had turned into since I had last saw him. He showed me that the reason she fell in love with me was the same reason that she inevitably left me. That led me to the realization, the revelation if you will, that somewhere I lost a part of myself. A very big and integral part of myself that, in fact, made me, me.

From the time I was 12 years old, I had some crazy sense of responsibility of everything and anyone around me. I don’t quite know where it came from, but I have an idea. I was an only child up until the age of 12 when my younger brother was born. My mother and step father were always fighting, and I do mean always. If a week went by without some blown up fight with threats of divorce, ruining each others life and etc. I thought I was living on another planet. It was so bad that even my stepfather and I came to physical violence between each other. Fortunately for me though, I was bigger than him when I turned 12, so I kinda had size on my side. I remember this one time, he and I were gripping each others collars one night yelling and screaming and swearing at each other. I had had enough of that, so I picked my foot up, put it square into his abdomen, and pushed with all I could muster, right out of a window. It was a good 6 or 7 foot fall that he landed flat on his back. Now this entire time we were fighting my mother was in a back bedroom calling the local police. Low and behold, the responding officer just so happened to be my D.A.R.E. instructor in school that week. Kinda fortunate in my opinion, for the fact that he considered me on of the best behaved and well educated, level headed students he had seen. So from then on, in my opinion, I had somehow fallen into a roll of ‘Protector’. Not just of myself and family, but of everyone around me that I cared about.

Now to me being a protector of any and all that you love, does not just translate into a physical realm of responsibility. It falls into a provider category as well. My entire life from those events on consisted of me doing everything in my human power to provide comfort for those around me. Be it a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear problems, issues and concerns. And in some few cases financially to those that I cared about because they were in a tight spot, just as we all have been in the past. Everything in my entire adult life and then some, I have earned, bought and paid for with money from my own blood, sweat and tears. I worked late nights for my family. I gave up vacation time so that someone less fortunate and more deserving than me could spend holidays with their loved ones. The weight on the shoulders has always been my burden to possess.

Therefore, when the aforementioned events of my relationship unfolded, I was no longer in control. No longer responsible for anyone or anything. I felt useless, hopeless and helpless. I didn’t know what was happening. Having to rely on another person to help pay my bills, taking away responsibility of something. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to be responsible for. I broke down. Quietly, silently and unnoticed. Unnoticed at first that is.

After weeks of fruitless job searching, things with she and I came to a head. Because I shut down, she felt left out, closed out. I had become complacent, and taken what she and I had for granted. Now that I know what the issues were, I am working on them. Taking back my title of ‘Protector of All That Around Me’.

Here is the situation. I moved all the way across the country from Georgia to Arizona so I could be more than just a partial piece of my son’s life. I spent almost 2 thousand dollars just moving me and all my crap the 2 thousand miles across the country. Now I had cashed in my old 401k plan in order to do this after I was laid off of my job back in Georgia. So I get to Az and am able to stay with a friend of mine for about a week while I searched for apartments that I thought my ex-wife would find suitable to let me keep my son overnight(not that i’m a bad father or anything of the sort, my military career and my job following the military kept me out of his life for most of it). So I find a place, but unfortunately i had to make a deal. Because I was unemployed when applying for the apartment(I was also job hunting as well) I had to pay 6 months rent in advance. A little over 5 grand. Now I am almost broke. So as I am trying to find myself a job, that months child support check suffered. Unfortunate circumstances. So my ex-wife decides to say ‘you cant see or talk to your son until you pay me my money’. What a bitch right? She knows the whole situation and the reason for the cross country move. But just like a woman, she wont listen to reason. Job hunt continues. An old friend of mine(female) and I had been talking on occasion and she would come over and we would talk and watch TV and yada yada yada. You see where this is going. So she and I start dating. Not in the traditional sense, you see, we made way with what we had. Her being unemployed as well we made due with what we could. We become closer as the days go by. She knows of the situation with me and my ex-wife over my son. Time goes by and she and her daughter all but move into the apartment with me. I fell in love with them both. More than I ever thought I could. My girlfriend and I attended a career fair in town and before the day is out she had a job, and I did not. Now here is some back ground on me, graduated at 16, joined the ARMY at 17, deployed 3 times while in the ARMY totalling 33 months in Iraq. After military service I became a Government Defense contractor, worked a year stateside, then almost 2 years in Afghanistan. So almost 10 years of Military Intelligence Electronic Systems in my background and my resume, no jobs to be had stateside for someone with my work experience and no college whatsoever. So here I sat in my apartment with this little 4 year old girl that I absolutely adored while her mother, my girlfriend, worked. Never in my life have I ever asked anyone for anything, nor depended on anyone for anything. So being supported by another individual was a bit of a culture shock to me, and I fell into a bit of a depression slump for a week or two. I just didn’t know how to handle the situation. Now let me back track just a little bit. I do have a bit of a drinking problem. And on 2, and only 2 occasions that her and I were out I made an ass of myself and embarassed her in front of her friends. Not directly, but just from sheer association. I am only getting into this part so as not to make myself out to be a saint. Add on top of that the fact that her parents, for some reason that I still do not know to this day, just did not like me. I wish for the life of me I knew. Don’t know if it would have made any difference now. I usually keep alot of things bottled up inside of me. One day during my little depression, she got me to tell her how I had been feeling. I don’t know where the conversation went south but she told me “2 weeks to get a job or i’m gone”. I had been trying, on top of that I had just started school as well, using my GI Bill from the military, if for nothing else then some additional income into the household. It was that day that she packed up everything of hers and her daughters and moved out. I knew from the fact that she cleared out every iota of proof that her and her daughter had even existed from this apartment that she didn’t plan on coming back. But I still held onto hope for us. I worked on my anger issues, I worked on my drinking problem, I searched for jobs, I did my school work. This whole time trying to talk to her on the phone, but she always ignored the calls and just texted. I should have picked up on the signs. So she tells me that she ‘has plans’ one certain night. Few hours later I text her asking what she is doing, no response. Next day I ask her about why she ignored me. ‘Because I don’t want you ruining my night’. So apparently I am ruining her night just by wanting to talk to my ‘girlfriend’. Few more days go by. I had been asking to see her for days. If for nothing else then just to see some glimmer of hope for ‘us’. She brushes my requests off every time. So friday she sends me a text during the day saying that we need to talk. That she was going to come by and talk. I asked for what. ‘What do you think?’ was the response. So through a series of texts she breaks up with me and never comes over like she said she was going to. Because we are on each others lists on Facebook I get updates everytime she is tagged/mentioned in a post of someone else. The facebook post read “5 1/2 hours till I get off work and am cuddling with my baby [girlfriend’s name]”. Less than 12 hours after she broke up with me. This whole time she had been saying she loved me, and hadn’t left me for someone else, that she just wanted some ‘space’. FBGM!!!!!


Today marks the start of a new future for me. After a somewhat bitter breakup with yet another decendant of the rib stealing bimbo known simply as ‘Eve’ my good friend of many years ‘Alan’ has talked me into blogging. Here’s to a glorious new chapter.                All names have been changed in order to protect the sanity and reputations of all those involved.

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