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I will never understand what people see in me. I will always wonder why certain people in my life always have kind things to say about me. Always have my back. Even after I disappear for weeks, or months at a time. Hell half of those people are women. Women that I tried to be romantic with and when things got to a certain point, I evaded them like an F22 evades rockets. I have taken for granted so many people in my life and yet they all stay true to me.

Sometimes it was intentional. Other times not. Either way you would think that they would feel scorned. Abandoned and betrayed by me. I am such a vengeful person, and not in the bad way, I am only vengeful when someone is a complete and full dickhead. Why is no one else in my life like that? Is it because the only people that I tend to befriend are the most tolerable people on the face of the Earth? Let’s take a look at that word. Friend. What is a friend? I cannot define that word because I have yet to be that person to someone else. I’ve always had the answer to everything in my adult life. If I didn’t have the answer, hell, I bullshitted my way through it all like a champ. And always come out on top. Am I blessed? Lucky? Good at what I do? Sure, after a while you would become pretty fucking good at being me, but let’s be real. I’m about 2 degrees from being declared a clinical fuck up in life.

I can’t remember one thing, not one thing that I ever succeeded at. Well, excelled at I mean. I have succeeded at a lot of things. I had a bomb ass job with a fat ass paycheck for doing next to nothing. Gave that up for someone else. Took a risk, that risk didn’t pay off. Staked every dime into moving across the country to be more than just ‘that guy that is around for the holidays’ in my son’s life. I get here and my ex wife keeps my son from me because I had to pay 6 months rent in advance to get an apartment because I didn’t have a job yet. No proof of income. So her child support checks had to take a cut. So she says I can’t get to talk to or see my son until I am caught up with her money. Thus completely negating my entire reason for making the 2000 mile cross country drive by myself to be a part of my son’s life. Again, a failure. When I got here I talked to an old friend of mine just as a friend, as someone to talk to and download to, and ended up in a relationship. A relationship that failed miserably as you may have already read. Another failure.

So why does everyone in my life, claim that they love me so? That they care for me so much? That they always hope the best in whatever I do? Baffling to me really. Maybe it is all of those times that I gave my last dollar to someone less fortunate than I was. Maybe it was my willingness to  take people into my home that had no place to go. Maybe my urge to always stick out my hand to someone that just needed someone to talk to them to bring their spirits up. Perhaps it was the way I always sprang to the rescue in a bar when one drunk asshole was about to get his ass jumped by about 4 other assholes. Is it because of my ability to always jump back on top not matter the circumstance that I am in?


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