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So if any of you have read all of my previous posts then you pretty much know the score. Little update. No charges were ever filed on me, so no court dates, no nothing. I started my new job last week and it is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love this job. Seriously. Even though it’s an office job, I love it. I actually wake up early and go in 30 minutes earlier than anyone else. WTF is wrong with me? I still drink my beer. I make dinner for 1 every night. I don’t worry about that shit that I cannot control or change anymore. I don’t worry about anything anymore. Truth is this. When I have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, my thoughts become incredibly dangerous. So much paranoia. And I really don’t know where it comes from.

All of my life I have never been unemployed. These last 3 months proved that as much as I may hate having to be a contributing member of society, I NEED to be one. For my own damned sanity. It has recently become extremely evident that I need some sort of social stimulus. Outside of my xbox that is, LOL. I still have my boys, my lo’s and lette’s that I talk to on xbox live. Because hey, unlike my ex-girlfriend, they were always there, willing to listen to my long ass tirades and complaints about my situations. Even though I never met Matt or Tylor, or VTEC(still don’t know his fucking name for some reason), they are close to me. They know me. The real me. They talked to me, non judgemental  and always had something to say to make me feel better. Something to make me laugh. For lack of a better term, family. I know that sounds kinda sad, but hey, everyone needs someone that they can talk and open up to. For you it may be a close high school friend, your wife, husband, brother or whatever else. Right now, I ain’t got that. I moved out here and knew only one person.

I knew her for over a year and a half. I moved out here and for some reason fell in love with her. BIG MISTAKE!!!! When she left me, I was more alone than I had ever known. All but my xbox buddies. And they listened to everything, and know everything about me. But I had no one out here to talk to, to confide in, so when she left, I was devastated. Broken and beaten down, on the verge of oblivion. They picked me up, kept me going and took my mind of of how dismal my life had become. All my life I have never really been alone. When I was younger, I had my school football team. In military school, I had my platoon. In the actual military, I had my squad(who I still talk to from time to time actually). After that, I had the guys I worked with overseas, who I lived, worked, eat and slept within 10 feet of everyday. Once I came back stateside, I stayed with my folks for a while, taking a break. Still wasn’t alone. Then I moved to AZ. to where I knew no one, save for one person. And when that was taken away, I thought it was over for me. Then I realized….why do I NEED anyone else? Now I don’t even think about……..what was her name again? And when I do I don’t get upset, angry, pissed off, sad, or even have the urge to beat the shit out of that scumbag that she left me for. Because hey, there will be a time when she gets tired of working her minimum wage job, and dealing with him and his 4 jobs, yes, and I do mean 4 jobs, and she will look at me and say ‘WOW! I can’t believe I threw you away. Gave up what we could have had’. I think about that and I just smile, so smuggly to myself and carry on with my life.

I don’t NEED anyone. I wanted SOMETHING. And when that something was taken from me, I acted like a child. Equated to kicking and screaming on the floor like a child that had just been scolded by his mother. There was no reason for that. I did alot of searching. Couldn’t find a reason for that. Couldn’t be justified. And I am the fucking man at justifying any and everything. I can sling some pretty good bullshit when I am in my zone. And I couldn’t even justify myself to myself. Sad right? So now, I don’t wanna say I’m ‘happy’ per say, but I am getting there. Everyday I look forward to the next. To see what I can accomplish.

I have been told time and time again that I have so much more going for me than I give myself credit for. Maybe that’s true, but that’s not for me to decide. The only thing I control is me. And what happens to me. I let myself become vulnerable. I let myself get hurt. But no more. I have a new lease on life. I have a new outlook. Can I really call it a ‘new’ outlook if I had it before, lost it and have recently rediscovered it? From now on, I OWN EVERY DAY THAT I EXIST! I control the outcome of everyday that ends in the letter Y. You all can have the rest. I don’t want them. See? I can be reasonable. We can negotiate on the matter if you would like. You’re going to lose that negotiation, but hey, it’ll definitely make for a good story to tell your friends. ‘I went toe to toe with the most bad mother fucker I have ever met and lost, but I went toe to toe with him’.

This is MY world. I allow you to squat. Because I am better than that. I won’t shut you out. I am a merciless ruler, but I do have compassion for those less fortunate, so long as you offer something in return. That is how the world works. That is how I allow the world to work. If you don’t believe me, look up into the sky. See that crazy mother fucker with the sexiest smile and most gorgeous deep dark brown eyes you have ever seen? Of course you don’t. Because you are not on my level yet, because I haven’t allowed it. CARPE-MOTHER-FUCKING-DIEM!!!!!

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3 Comments

  1. yet another funny awesome blog from my homie Delta Whoop Whoop

  2. I found this pretty inspiring. My ex broke up with me four months ago, and I did not see it coming. I was an emotional wreck, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I still can’t. You, however, have taken your experience and made something from it. I really hope some day soon I will be able to shout “carpe-fucking-diem” as you do.

    • i really appreciate the fine compliment. and trust me, it wasnt easy for me to get over it. there were many cans of beer and bottles of liqour that were bought, drank and broken over it all. but in the long run it really was just time and distraction that did it for me. I really should write an update to this little fiasco soon. but as it stands i have found a wonderful woman who loves me for me, faults and past included. and between her, my son, her daughter, my students and my MMA training its been all go no stop for me. but rest assured an update will come. Thank you again for your kind words.


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