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So I am going to take a page out of one of my close friend’s playbook and throw in a slight twist of my own. I am going to conduct an interview with myself. But not really myself, well not yet I mean. The particular  ‘Me’ that is going to be interviewed is the me from the future. The me that will rule all around me. The me that will never want for anything. The me that has been dubbed my ‘Richer than Jesus’ self. Here we go…

Question: Over the course of your rocky road that you have called a life, you have surpassed the expectations of literally everyone that you have ever come across. To what do you owe this incredible, phenomenal financial and personal success?

Answer: Wow. That’s a toughy. If I had to give shout outs to those that are to be thanked, then I would first say my parents. They have always been there for me, put up with my bullshit, my drinking problem, emotional duress, everything. If it wasn’t for my mother, father, and a select few people that I consider family, regardless of blood relation, I would have been long gone from this world and I wouldn’t be able to also thank all of those that ran from me when I needed it the most. Those that chose to head for the hills when I was in my deep dark hole of a depression. On more than one occasion I must admit. If they hadn’t left me in the gutter, crying, weeping and begging for a hand and not lend it, I would never appreciate being on top of the world now. I would not know what it is like to have imported geishas sponge bath me every night. I wouldn’t appreciate the 99′ television that I have in my grotesquely over sized living room in my unfathomably enormous house. I wouldn’t appreciate the people that gawk at me as I walk by on the street, envious of such an incredible specimen of humanity that they have the rare privelage of breathing the same air as.

Q: That sounded a little arrogant, uppity and snide. Not to mention downright rude to some I would imagine. What made you this way?

A: Apparently can you listen, but you are dumber than a bag of hammers too. Look, I’ve earned literally everything that I have had in my entire adult life. Never had a hand out. Never asked for help really until things got really bad for me at one point. I mean I was literally on the verge of suicide at one point in my 20’s. No one ever came, no one ever called, save for one person, that as I mentioned earlier, is not blood related, but family none the less. At the time, he was in a very similar situation as me. We bonded, if you will. Had some story swapping. Some horror story swapping that is. And over the years he and I talked each other down from many things that just broke our individual spirits. It was during all this time that I realized that I had found the holy grail in just a few unorthodox friends. And I also realized that 99% of the human race will let you down. No matter what, no matter when, the human condition will let you down. Therefore, I had to build certain, walls. And those walls were made out of snide remarks designed to make a person that says something completely ridiculously dumb, feel just that way. Those walls were made out of rude comments designed to light a fire under those too timid to stick up for themselves. And as far as your little ‘arrogance’ referral, well you are damned right I am. As much as I sacrificed for this country by serving in the military. I lost my wife, my son, my health. Damned near everything. So excuse me for portraying a bastard that has his shit on lock down.

Q: Tell me about this ‘realization/transformation’ that you figured out for yourself. What exactly was it?

A: Hard to explain really, to a mere mortal such as yourself. Your tiny mind cannot comprehend the change that took place inside of my own head. In my own life. There is no amount of explanation, bar graph, pie chart, census, or cat scan that can show you what I see. I was able to take a step back, because when you hit rock bottom, what really else can you do? I was able to step back and look at what our ‘acceptable society’ had come to. Reality TV, lotteries, drugs of all sorts, legal and not. I was able to decipher what no one else on this planet has been able to do. The true meaning of life. But unfortunately for you, I found the meaning of life, just in a language you cannot fathom to understand. If I had to place it into words it would take probably about 19 years of nonstop, around the clock lectures, and I just don’t think you puny humans are worth that kind of effort or time. Hell, I’m surprised that I’m still entertaining this interview, but I thought what the hell, why not kill 20 minutes till my servants bring me my lunch.

Q: Why do you resent the entire human populace so? Surely there are some redeeming factors that you can see.

A: You’re right. There are. The only redeeming factor that your human race has ever accomplished is fake tits. Sure there are nice pairs all around now, but hey, who don’t like tits right? You see one set, you want to see them all. Am I right? Eh, you’re probably gay anyway.

Q: Sir, I don’t think that kind of language is necessary. Why are you such a crass individual?

A: Honestly I couldn’t give  shit less what you think is necessary. You don’t pay my bills, my taxes pay for your precious little welfare programs that you allow scumbags to take advantage of day after day, year after year. Old people, who cant care for themselves that are determined to be ‘vegetables’ placed in assisted living homes. For what? To prolong an already tormented life? Do you not think that those poor bastards deserve to be left alone and done with what nature has intended? Or how about all of these stupid commercials that you see on TV about booze, cigarettes, fake tits and dick enlargements? Really? And I bet you are the kind of person that wonders why the youths of today grow up to be so screwed up in the head, that it takes 25 years of therapy to fix, if they are lucky. Bet you blame video games for violent children too don’t you? That’s the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard in my life. Those kids need good old fashioned ass whoopins like I got when I was a kid. But no. We prefer to coddle children, and shelter them from the real world for as long as we can, and then ask ourselves why they have trouble adapting to social situations at school and spend all of their free time online looking up crazy shit like how to blow up their school because they have no outlet for all of the things inside of them that society and religion tells us are bad thoughts. Sexual urges, being territorial, jealousy. The whole gammut.

Q: You make several very good points in your arguments. It has been said that you inspire hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people to break their cycles of boring and mundane lives, by simply doing things that ‘society’ has deemed unacceptable, or of ‘less class’. How do you feel about that?

A: Well first off this whole ‘of less class’ business is garbage. What class? Who’s to say what class is? And who said it was a good thing? To me class is a way of presenting a modern day heirarchy between people that were afforded the same exact opportunities in life. Something akin to that old school nobility rule. Just be cause my blood comes from somewhere yours doesn’t, doesn’t make either one of us a better specimen of life anymore than my $2200 dollar bed sheets make me a better lover than the next guy. But rest assured, I am regardless of the sheets. Class is a way to put a ‘grade’ if you will, onto normal people that don’t deserve to be labeled. Me? I don’t label anyone. I just see what a person has done with their life, and still, don’t pass judgement. It’s your life, do with it what you please. But just be prepared to be called a dumbass when you complain about the ‘system’ holding you down, or you can’t do this because of that, so on and so forth. Those kinds of people are a disease, worse than a cancer on the planet. They just make excuses, and hide behind those excuses because they are scared.

Q: Scared?

A: Yes. Scared. Scared of taking responsibility for what may or may not fail in their life. But they never think about the ‘what if i succeed’ half of that coin. They hide because for years and years, in a perpetual cycle, people have been coddling their children. Sheltering them from the real world. But those parents don’t get it. They are going to leave one day. And forge their own path in this world. It may not be a successful one, and then again it might. But that is all dependent on that child’s perception of the world and how he will be judged on anything and everything that it does. But no one thinks about the fact that that judgement is going to happen regardless of whatever that child may or may not accomplish. The only variable there is when is that child going to have to come to terms with the fact that in the eyes of others, you will never be worthy, and have that human nature, competitive urge take over ,and make something for themselves. Make something for themselves and stand on top of the world and teabag the shit out of anyone that steps up to them to challenge their rightful spot on this planet.

Q: Now you say challenge their rightful spot. That would suggest some sort of lineage, heritage, or bloodline heirarchy wouldn’t it?

A: Absolutely not. What I mean to say by that is simple. Nothing is free. Everything is earned. EVERYTHING. Your right to live on this planet, your job, car, house, wife. Everything gets earned. Earning something makes people better people. It gives them a sense of pride that no one can take away from them. If a person like, say those welfare scamming scumbags I referred to earlier, does nothing to better their situation, and get handouts, the human condition will automatically tell that person that they don’t have to work for anything, because it is just being handed out like blowjobs at an adult film festival. Therefore, perpetuating the cycle of those endlessly flawed government programs that are paid for by private citizens like you and me. I am extremely pissed off about my tax dollars going to scumbags like that. Don’t they know what the fuel for a G6 costs these days? Inconsiderate pricks!

Q: You have a unique….

A: Alright dude, it’s time for you to roll out of here, my lunch is here, and after i kill this T-bone and slug down this pint of my own home brewed lager, I’m going to go upstairs and lay down with my smoking hot model of a girlfriend, upstairs, and take a nap, or get some ass. I just haven’t decided on which yet.


One Comment

  1. yo bro this is one of the best by far deffo top 5

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