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Monthly Archives: January 2012

So about time for an update. About a week or two ago, the ex decided that she wanted to see me. I’ve been wanting to see you for weeks now, she says. Reluctantly I agreed, but only at the place of MY choosing. At a sports bar hella close to where I live. She shows up, we talk, hash a few things out. Confess my feelings for her, and let her know that what I felt for her never really died. I had my suspicions as to why she would even contact me out of the blue like this, considering all that had happened before. But, part of me still wanted to hold onto hope for some reason. Stupid right? Ya, I know that now.

You see her birthday was coming up fairly soon and I had the sneaking suspicion that she just didn’t want to be alone on her special day. Made me feel so much better than I had been in a while. Don’t get me wrong, things were going great with me at the time, good job, good money, and getting an incredibly prestigious certification to be a legitimate Instructor in my field of work. I was oh so reluctant to even talk to her again. But something inside of me still held the tiniest candle flame of hope that we could be what I always thought we could be. So I played the part. We talked. A lot. Hashed out quite a few things actually. She asked me what I had planned for the weekend. Weekend of her birthday no less. I said nothing really, just going out of town for a day(so as not to seem like I didn’t have life, I wanted her to think that I was just doing my regular thing). Then I asked if she wanted to come with me to a town, over an hour away, to spend her birthday with me, so she wouldn’t be alone. She had told me, during our little hash out session that she had broken up with the douche bag she left me for in the first place. No one should be alone on that one special day of the year. Fuck xmas, fuck turkey day, fuck v-day. If nothing else then the birthday is the one day that you should feel special and loved and noticed.

So for the whole week, I was looking forward to actually spending her birthday with her. I felt like I actually meant something to her again. I had planned on taking her on our first official ‘date’ in the entire time that we had known each other. Almost 2 years. When we were dating at first I was out of a job and unable to take her out properly, so this actually meant alot to me. A helluva lot more to me than her apparently.

I had a 4 day weekend. Friday through Monday. She only had Sunday off. No problem, right? She had arranged it to where she would stay at a friends house on Friday night, go to work, and I would pick her up on my way out of town for our actual date/birthday celebration, if you will. I was so looking forward to this. As a means of retribution for all the shit I put her through before. I was so wanting to make the biggest change in my whole life, for ONE person. Fucking craziest thing I have ever fathomed. But hindsight is 20/20 right?

Friday morning. I wake up to a text message. ‘I may have some bad news’. ‘A friend of mine, of 1o years is coming down from Vegas for my birthday to surprise me’. REALLY?! So what is supposed to be a surprise, you know about before hand? You know that I don’t make plans. I always shoot from the hip. For the simple fact that if you do make plans, there is an extreme possibilility that you will only be disappointed. But the fact of the matter is that I actually committed myself to an actual plan. A series of events. Up to and including the first formal ‘date’ that we would ever have.

When I got the news that I had been put on the back burner again, I was pissed. Beyond pissed. Maybe a little more than what I should have. I admit that. But the fact of the matter is this, I went out of my way to actually plan something out, and actually build it up a bit, not only with me, but with her. All week it was ‘I am so excited’ blah blah blah. Then, less than 24 hours before this ‘mission’ could kick off, because of someone else’s ‘surprise’ ‘spontaneous’ decision, what I had planned is just kicked to the curb. I sacrificed my belief to try and please her, and to no avail.

Ok. So it’s a long time friend of the family, I get that. He, and I emphasize the HE part which I will get to later, traveled a long way for her birthday. I kind of freaked out a little bit because let’s face it, the first time she left me it was because of someone that was ‘just a friend’. I think I was well within my rights to have suspicions here.

I started finding things to do, to curb my drinking, which was always her biggest complaint of me. Any and everything I could do. I even joined a gym and started training MMA again after being out of the loop for over 6 years, just to find something to fill my time so I wouldn’t drink.

I told her that she was my motivation to become better. For me, for her, for her daughter, and for my son. She made me want to become the best that I could be in everything that I would do. I asked her, very specifically, ‘Is this just a pipe dream’ ‘Am I doing this for nothing’. No was her response.

Less than 24 hours later I get a text message. ‘I am glad you are getting your shit together, but it is just a pipe dream’ ‘i am in love with someone else’ ‘I have extreme feelings for someone else’. Turns out it is the guy that was ‘just a friend’. Fuck my life! God, am I a sucker or what.

For the second time, I was disregarded by her. Come to find out she got engaged to this asshat the very day she told me about her feelings for another.

After everything that I told her. That I was still in love with her. That I wanted to do whatever it took to be better for her. That I would go to the end of the earth to change every single habit that I had, that she disliked. After all of that, I was still only second best to her.

It’s my own fault really. I was doing fine. I had pretty much forgotten about her altogether. Then she preyed on me. She preyed on me because she is the only person that truly knows how I think. How my mind works, how my thought processes flow. She is the only true person that I really opened up to and told my deepest, darkest secrets to. I gave her the keys to me. And true love is giving someone else the keys to the real you, and hoping that they don’t hurt you with what they find.

She did. I opened up to someone for the first time in my entire life. I thought that I could make something out of nothing with her. Not the case. She has forced me back into my secluded little bubble of an existence. Never again will anyone know the real me. The true things that plague my thoughts. The true issues that cause me not to function.

Thank you (un-named wench), for showing me how much of a god damned fool I have become. I hope you are happy. I hope you will be happy. I truly do. But I also hope that you do not do to him what you did to me. No one deserves that. I have done alot of un-orthodox and very morally objectionable things, but I still dont think I deserve what you have done to me.

I tried to bury the monster. I have forsaken him for months. But now you have unleashed the beast.

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