Skip navigation

I lie in wait. Waiting for that perfect moment to reveal myself. To prove to you that you have made a mistake. To show you that I am a patient individual. That my patience will outweigh whatever decision you have made. Whatever motive you may have. You have cast me aside. At my expense, but at your own fault. You will see. You will stand there in awe as I live my life. Without you. Accomplishing so much more without you, until you come begging for me back. Begging me to make you a part of the EMPIRE that I have created. The choice to let you in on that empire is solely up to me. And the question that we will be faced with is this: Are you worthy of being ruled by me? Because if you beg to be a part of my life, that is exactly what you are asking. ‘Please, rule me. Show me the errors of my ways. I will do your bidding, just let me be a part of your world.’ There is so much at my disposal that you don’t quite understand. I could spy on your every waking moment. Stay up for days. Follow your movements. Track your daily habits. But I don’t. Because I lie in wait. Because knowing your dirty secrets would ruin my own state of mind. And that is not an option in this lifetime. To be driven crazy by what you may or may not be doing. I am better than that. I am above that. I have my faith, my hope that you will one day get yours. You hurt me and now I want to hurt you. By any means necessary. But I wont make it a priority in my life anymore. You are not worth my time, you puny human. I am so far above and beyond you it is unfathomable. You thought you knew me, you know shit. If you truly knew me, then you would know my resolve. And you wouldn’t have left me begging on my knees like I did. A lapse on my part. I fell into your human trap of ’emotion’.

That word is laughable. Emotion?! What is emotion? An uncontrolable impulse? Because you can’t compose yourself any better? Come on. Be real. Emotion is just another word for sucker in my book. I showed you emotion before. You took advantage of that when things got hard. You claim to love me. Love. Another emotion. If you ‘Love’ someone you don’t leave them. You help them till it kills you. You ride that shit till the wheels fall off. But you didn’t. You dipped out like it was a bank robbery gone bad. Let’s chock that one up to being ’emotional’, shall we?

Anyway we are getting off topic here. The topic here is the fact that I can endure anything thrown at me. I will persevere. I will come out on top. And inevitably, in this situation, you will not be.

Advertisements

I am not a human being. You do not know me. You do not understand me. Because you are incapable of knowing or understanding me. I am too complex for you. I am beyond your petty grasp. I am an enigma to you. A mystery. You may think that you know me, understand me. But that is only because I get bored with life. I fall asleep at the wheel, and as such slow down enough for you to read what is on the surface. If you can catch up with me when I fall asleep that is. Only one time in recorded ‘Human’ history did I fall asleep enough to let someone see more than they deserved to see. I slipped. I dropped the ball on that one for all of us ‘Aliens’. That will not be happening again. That I guarantee.

For those wondering, keep wondering. We ‘Aliens’ are not in your cosmic realm of possibility. At least not yet. Not until you can figure out some way to break your cycle of following. You Lemmings. You followers. You are probably reading this to find your own way in life. Hey, no problem. I appreciate the views, really I do. It completely validates my vanity, lol.

I made my life. I have hit rock bottom more than once. And every time the only thing I found out from it is that every time you hit rock bottom, it’s deeper than the last time. And every time the only way out is up. You have to find that one time in your life that you were happy. No, not happy, but ecstatic to be you. Find the you that was not controlled by taxes, government, other peoples opinions or perceptions of you. Find a reason to go back to that version of you. Because apparently you were doing something right.

For me, all of my life I have been a fighter. Physically at first, and in the last few years, an emotional fighter. An under the radar fighter. The kind of fighter that does not let anyone or anything control his universe. I have always come out on top. I have always been able to say ‘I told you so’ to everyone that doubted me. To everyone that made fun of me. To everyone that talked down to me. To all those that thought themselves to be better specimens of humanity than myself.

Everyone always say ‘If this, then that’. Thus giving control over to someone else. Or some condition outside of your realm control. NO! This is wrong. You are supposed to say ‘This will happen’ or ‘This will happen’. You don’t make things that you want conditional to another person or entity. You take control of that shit. You make the terms. Take it or leave it. You are going to find your path either way. With or without those ‘others’. You may want them with you. But on the flip side of that, they control whether or not they want to be a part of your life. You cannot force someone to be a part of yours. Simply state the terms of their involvement in yours. If they decline those terms, well then that, is how they say, ‘is that’.

You own everything in your world. Your life. Don’t take handouts. Don’t take favors. Earn everything. The only way to earn anything is to realize that you and you alone are in control of what happens tomorrow. Don’t look to tomorrow as another day. Not a borrowed day. Not even a gift. It is earned. Look forward to it.  Yesterday is gone. Nothing can be done about what happened THEN. But tomorrow, that is another story. You have to write it. Tomorrow is your day. If you are reading this than you already own today. Tomorrow, lets just see what we can accomplish tomorrow. I’m sure you will be very pleased with the result. Regardless of what happens. Could be good, bad or indifferent. All that matters is that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! Do not let anyone tell you different. Do not let anything deter you from your own path.

If you need to, find yourself a ‘Hype Man’. A person to have your corner. A cheerleader. Someone you can talk to about what your own goals are. Share them with that person. That does not mean give them control. In fact, your Hype Man has about as much control over you and your life as that bum on the street that you didn’t give a quarter to today. Oh, you did give him money? Good job. Giving control over your finances is a great way to go don’t you think? Sure we all need help in this life. But that guy gave up control over his life a long time ago. There are so many easy options for that guy to succeed in life, he just chose to roll over and die. Starting to get my point? GOOD! Back to what I was saying. Where was I? Oh ya, the Hype Man. Your Hype Man doesn’t have any say so in anything you say or do in this life. He/She is just there to keep you on track with your goals and endeavors. Their duty is to support you in whatever it is that you undertake. Is it opening up to another person? Absolutely. But hey, you were going to pour your heart out to someone anyway eventually right? Why not do it to someone that will not judge you? Or insult your fragile sensibilities, which we will get to later by the way. I would prefer that you choose someone that is not blood or marriage related to you. Because they tend to be biased. Choose someone that has no emotional or financial stake in your entire existence. Friend? Maybe. Neighbor? Maybe. The choice is up to you. Everyone has someone in their lives that they can open up to, that will not judge or criticize you or anything you choose to do. And in turn, more than likely, they will do the same.

This world sucks. But as such, we are all entwined, and inevitably so. This is where our “Perfect World” begins. Not with a bang but with a whimper. A whimper within you. That turns into a growl. That evolves into a shout. That turns into a scream. Once everyone follows that same script, that will be OUR ‘Bang’. It may or may not happen soon. Or in the near future. Or the distant future. Hell, it may not happen in our lifetime. But that’s why you have to seize control of your own piece of the pie now. So when it does happen, you will be ready for it. You will be a part of it. In on the ground floor of OUR “PERFECT WORLD”

So apparently there is this ‘Occupy Wall Street’ thing going on right now. I have just heard of it because I refuse, absolutely refuse to watch the brainwashing propaganda  you people call ‘the news’. This is just sad. A series of demonstrations? And this has lead other people to do ‘Occupy” this, that and the other. You people make me sad and ashamed to be an American. I propose an ‘Occupy Yourself’ movement. Meaning that we all need to realize that Wall Street does not exist without us. The government does not exist without us. Everyone is too god damned greedy to realize that if employers would only pay a little more to their employees that, and that alone will enrich our ‘Market’. If a person gets paid more, they spend more. Thus the ‘market’ goes up. Everyone has lost sight of the entire founding of this once great country. Columbus came here, seeking a place untouched by the ever advancing civilization that we have, because he did not like the wants of the few outweighing the NEEDS of the many. Now in this country, we have let the WANTS of the few outweigh the NEEDS of the many. 99%? 99% of what? 99% of the population that has let everyone else dictate how you are to live your life? I am the 1%. The 1% that will not tolerate this. The 1% that will no longer let someone else control my life. The lives of my children and, god willing their children. That is exactly what has happened to us. And I say us because we are, forever and beyond, connected to each other. Friends, family, neighbors that you don’t like and those that you do. ‘Occupy Wall Street’? Really? This translates directly into a child laying on its belly, kicking and screaming for a new blanky. Something for free. Something that you have not yet EARNED! Everything in my entire adult life, I have worked for and earned with my own money. Did it require sacrifice? Absolutely. But I just didn’t know it at the time that was happening. Do the people that mooch off the system piss me off? ABSOLUTELY! But there is nothing we can do or control about that. We can only control our own lives. And the effect that we have on our ‘Society’. I use that term loosely because we haven’t been a society for a long time. We have become a heard of individuals looking for the easy way out. THERE IS NO SUCH THING! Nothing worth having, in this life or the next, is going to be easy. Will it hurt? More than likely. Will it be hard? Oh, Hell yes!

You may think strangely of what I have stated because I speak of being a society, being together in one unified effort, but yet suggest an ‘Occupy Yourself’ movement of my own. Understandable. But in order for everything to work, break it down to its base level. A society, a community, a unified front does not exist without several individuals. Individuals with their shit together. Individuals that know our Stock Market and our Government does not exist without us. We make both of those entities work. We are solely responsible for letting them run things for us. Because we have become complacent with our own responsibilities. We thought it easier to just hand over control of our lives to someone else. NO! That is not our governments place. They are there as a liason between us and other communities and societies that we are not able to make contact with everyday. They are there to help guide us in our own day to day lives. To help, not control them. They are there to help protect us. Not to ask so much of us in order for that protection. That’s Mafia type shit. Biggest mafia in the world right now, is the US Government. Today is the day we take back our lives. Today is the day we stop feeling sorry for ourselves. TODAY IS THE DAY WE TAKE CONTROL!

So after my little tirade with the now ex-girlfriend, heartbroken and beaten down, I talked to an old friend of mine of many years ‘Alan’. After hours and hours of talking with him all the way across the world, he found certain little aspects of the me that I had turned into since I had last saw him. He showed me that the reason she fell in love with me was the same reason that she inevitably left me. That led me to the realization, the revelation if you will, that somewhere I lost a part of myself. A very big and integral part of myself that, in fact, made me, me.

From the time I was 12 years old, I had some crazy sense of responsibility of everything and anyone around me. I don’t quite know where it came from, but I have an idea. I was an only child up until the age of 12 when my younger brother was born. My mother and step father were always fighting, and I do mean always. If a week went by without some blown up fight with threats of divorce, ruining each others life and etc. I thought I was living on another planet. It was so bad that even my stepfather and I came to physical violence between each other. Fortunately for me though, I was bigger than him when I turned 12, so I kinda had size on my side. I remember this one time, he and I were gripping each others collars one night yelling and screaming and swearing at each other. I had had enough of that, so I picked my foot up, put it square into his abdomen, and pushed with all I could muster, right out of a window. It was a good 6 or 7 foot fall that he landed flat on his back. Now this entire time we were fighting my mother was in a back bedroom calling the local police. Low and behold, the responding officer just so happened to be my D.A.R.E. instructor in school that week. Kinda fortunate in my opinion, for the fact that he considered me on of the best behaved and well educated, level headed students he had seen. So from then on, in my opinion, I had somehow fallen into a roll of ‘Protector’. Not just of myself and family, but of everyone around me that I cared about.

Now to me being a protector of any and all that you love, does not just translate into a physical realm of responsibility. It falls into a provider category as well. My entire life from those events on consisted of me doing everything in my human power to provide comfort for those around me. Be it a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear problems, issues and concerns. And in some few cases financially to those that I cared about because they were in a tight spot, just as we all have been in the past. Everything in my entire adult life and then some, I have earned, bought and paid for with money from my own blood, sweat and tears. I worked late nights for my family. I gave up vacation time so that someone less fortunate and more deserving than me could spend holidays with their loved ones. The weight on the shoulders has always been my burden to possess.

Therefore, when the aforementioned events of my relationship unfolded, I was no longer in control. No longer responsible for anyone or anything. I felt useless, hopeless and helpless. I didn’t know what was happening. Having to rely on another person to help pay my bills, taking away responsibility of something. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to be responsible for. I broke down. Quietly, silently and unnoticed. Unnoticed at first that is.

After weeks of fruitless job searching, things with she and I came to a head. Because I shut down, she felt left out, closed out. I had become complacent, and taken what she and I had for granted. Now that I know what the issues were, I am working on them. Taking back my title of ‘Protector of All That Around Me’.

Here is the situation. I moved all the way across the country from Georgia to Arizona so I could be more than just a partial piece of my son’s life. I spent almost 2 thousand dollars just moving me and all my crap the 2 thousand miles across the country. Now I had cashed in my old 401k plan in order to do this after I was laid off of my job back in Georgia. So I get to Az and am able to stay with a friend of mine for about a week while I searched for apartments that I thought my ex-wife would find suitable to let me keep my son overnight(not that i’m a bad father or anything of the sort, my military career and my job following the military kept me out of his life for most of it). So I find a place, but unfortunately i had to make a deal. Because I was unemployed when applying for the apartment(I was also job hunting as well) I had to pay 6 months rent in advance. A little over 5 grand. Now I am almost broke. So as I am trying to find myself a job, that months child support check suffered. Unfortunate circumstances. So my ex-wife decides to say ‘you cant see or talk to your son until you pay me my money’. What a bitch right? She knows the whole situation and the reason for the cross country move. But just like a woman, she wont listen to reason. Job hunt continues. An old friend of mine(female) and I had been talking on occasion and she would come over and we would talk and watch TV and yada yada yada. You see where this is going. So she and I start dating. Not in the traditional sense, you see, we made way with what we had. Her being unemployed as well we made due with what we could. We become closer as the days go by. She knows of the situation with me and my ex-wife over my son. Time goes by and she and her daughter all but move into the apartment with me. I fell in love with them both. More than I ever thought I could. My girlfriend and I attended a career fair in town and before the day is out she had a job, and I did not. Now here is some back ground on me, graduated at 16, joined the ARMY at 17, deployed 3 times while in the ARMY totalling 33 months in Iraq. After military service I became a Government Defense contractor, worked a year stateside, then almost 2 years in Afghanistan. So almost 10 years of Military Intelligence Electronic Systems in my background and my resume, no jobs to be had stateside for someone with my work experience and no college whatsoever. So here I sat in my apartment with this little 4 year old girl that I absolutely adored while her mother, my girlfriend, worked. Never in my life have I ever asked anyone for anything, nor depended on anyone for anything. So being supported by another individual was a bit of a culture shock to me, and I fell into a bit of a depression slump for a week or two. I just didn’t know how to handle the situation. Now let me back track just a little bit. I do have a bit of a drinking problem. And on 2, and only 2 occasions that her and I were out I made an ass of myself and embarassed her in front of her friends. Not directly, but just from sheer association. I am only getting into this part so as not to make myself out to be a saint. Add on top of that the fact that her parents, for some reason that I still do not know to this day, just did not like me. I wish for the life of me I knew. Don’t know if it would have made any difference now. I usually keep alot of things bottled up inside of me. One day during my little depression, she got me to tell her how I had been feeling. I don’t know where the conversation went south but she told me “2 weeks to get a job or i’m gone”. I had been trying, on top of that I had just started school as well, using my GI Bill from the military, if for nothing else then some additional income into the household. It was that day that she packed up everything of hers and her daughters and moved out. I knew from the fact that she cleared out every iota of proof that her and her daughter had even existed from this apartment that she didn’t plan on coming back. But I still held onto hope for us. I worked on my anger issues, I worked on my drinking problem, I searched for jobs, I did my school work. This whole time trying to talk to her on the phone, but she always ignored the calls and just texted. I should have picked up on the signs. So she tells me that she ‘has plans’ one certain night. Few hours later I text her asking what she is doing, no response. Next day I ask her about why she ignored me. ‘Because I don’t want you ruining my night’. So apparently I am ruining her night just by wanting to talk to my ‘girlfriend’. Few more days go by. I had been asking to see her for days. If for nothing else then just to see some glimmer of hope for ‘us’. She brushes my requests off every time. So friday she sends me a text during the day saying that we need to talk. That she was going to come by and talk. I asked for what. ‘What do you think?’ was the response. So through a series of texts she breaks up with me and never comes over like she said she was going to. Because we are on each others lists on Facebook I get updates everytime she is tagged/mentioned in a post of someone else. The facebook post read “5 1/2 hours till I get off work and am cuddling with my baby [girlfriend’s name]”. Less than 12 hours after she broke up with me. This whole time she had been saying she loved me, and hadn’t left me for someone else, that she just wanted some ‘space’. FBGM!!!!!

 

Today marks the start of a new future for me. After a somewhat bitter breakup with yet another decendant of the rib stealing bimbo known simply as ‘Eve’ my good friend of many years ‘Alan’ has talked me into blogging. Here’s to a glorious new chapter.                All names have been changed in order to protect the sanity and reputations of all those involved.

All thoughts, comments, statements and any other posts are solely those of the author of this blog. Please read no further if you are: all but not limited to: under the age of 10,  pregnant, have a current or recurring heart condition, faint of heart, squeemish, religious, politically sound and knowledgeable, communist, liberal or in love. Unless you really want to, in that case dont bitch at me if your fragile fucking sensibilities get offended. You were warned!                                                                                                                                                                                                            

%d bloggers like this: